I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
