I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
