I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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