I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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