I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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