My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Randomize
