I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
