If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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