his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
