the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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