Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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