The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
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Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice