wanna go halves on a baby?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
