Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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