I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
