I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
