Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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