3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
