Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
