The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
