Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
organizing the empties. That sober.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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