my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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