I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
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