I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
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