..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
