He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
