Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
