life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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