My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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