If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
