My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i just had sex bonerless
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
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Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
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I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.