Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
