Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
