if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
