Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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