his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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