I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
