I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
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