you turned your livingroom into a bong?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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