My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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