Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My ATM looks so different sober.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
