i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
