I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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