I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
