I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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