The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
