I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
