So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
