I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
