dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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