and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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