you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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