nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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