Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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