so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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