I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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