he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
