They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
