I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
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ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
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I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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