Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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